orangelc111 的个人博客

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    二十二岁的生日，就这样悄无声息地来了。

    原定要来北京给我过生日的爸爸妈妈，临时因为工作上的事情，只能留在温暖的南方，遥祝。

    午夜。接到无数条温暖的短信和电话。也许每到生日的时刻，伤感的情绪总是要来烦扰。辗转反侧到了很晚，才睡着。

    早晨。睡眼惺忪中，发现桌上多了个不明物体，打开一看才发现是小J同学送的礼物。愣了半天神：这，这是灵异事件吧！

    中午。K-box，宿舍姐妹们的聚会。谢谢你们贴心地为我准备铺满了草莓的生日蛋糕。总以为草莓是一种美好的水果，如手心的太阳。

    晚上。中关村的泰国蕉叶，和立哥哥。之后穿越北理到达雕刻时光。为自己要了一杯Gin tonic，淡淡的歌。小野丽莎的《玫瑰人生》在空气里飘荡，谁都舍不得放开手心的温热。

    深夜。开盏台灯，在键盘上敲击着这些毫无头绪的文字。后来知道小J同学原来是几天前就串通好了舍友给我这个惊喜。后来整理包包的时候在学生证的夹层里看到了某人的工资卡，所谓神秘的礼物。

    感谢爸爸妈妈，22年来对我的呵护疼爱包容，你们的爱将我温柔豢养。在这里还要一并感谢这22年来结识的所有朋友，因为你们，我的生命更有意义。

The name of the movie American Beauty has a word “beauty”, and it is mentioned again and again in the movie. Then, what is beauty?

To Carolyn, beauty is the roses called “American Beauty”, the perfect match of “the handle on those pruning shears” and “her gardening clogs”, the image of success and material success. To Angela, who is a beauty herself, beauty is being different, “because there’s nothing worse in life than being ordinary”. To Ricky, beauty means much deeper but actually is just around the corner, as long as we “stay, look closer”. He films all the “beauty” that he observed: dying homeless woman, flying bag, Jane’s eyes, and even dead bird. When Jane asked him why he would film the homeless woman laying sadly on the sidewalk and what was amazing about it, he said: “When you see something like that, it’s like God is looking right at you, just for a second. And if you’re careful, you can look right back.” It is beauty that he sees. He showed Jane “the most beautiful thing” he has ever filmed: an empty, wrinkled, white plastic bag dancing in the wind which carries it in a circle. The bag flies high and low, left and right, lingering and rotating. With the withered and yellow leaves all over the place, it flies unscrupulously. The camera just follows the bag closely, and then is drawn closer and closer, while the film seems to be freeze-framed here. At the moment time also seems to stop. What pull at our heartstrings are just the dancing bag and the gloomy background music. This is just a common scene of everyday life, yet most of us just turned a blind eye to it. But Ricky realized from it that “there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid. Ever…Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it…and my heart is going to cave in.” Although the bag in the wind seemingly follows no rules, it actually indicates law of higher standard, just as what Ricky has said, there is entire life and beauty behind everything, even such a trivial thing as a plastic bag.

Wherever I watch this video of the dancing bag, Lester’s monologue at the end of the movie always echoes in my mind: …and then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can’t feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life..” Lester also said: “I wouldn't remember me either.” The similarity between the dancing bag in the wind and Lester can be found here. Though unscrupulous, both of them blossom out their own beauty. If Ricky seems to be the discoverer and advocator of beauty in the movie, Lester is the follower and hunter for beauty and at this process he himself becomes the incarnation of beauty. At the beginning of the movie, Lester is going through a kind of mid-age crisis. On the surface he has a happy family: a capable wife and a healthy daughter, a cozy villa and two decent cars. However, he is not happy. The climax of his day is masturbating in the shower, and “it’s all downhill from here”. His wife Carolyn has become the slave of money, viewing “stuff” more important than life, and the couples do not love each other any more. His daughter Jane is distant from them and even expresses her hatred on them. His job that he “has been selling his soul for 14 years” is on the verge of losing. Then, he meets Jane’s classmate Angela, a beautiful girl who stimulates his desire and at the same time brings him to the turning point of his life. Hearing Angela say that “if he just worked out a little, he’d be hot”, he begins to work out to “look good naked”. He quits his job like a real man and fries hamburger in a fast food restaurant, a job with “the least possible amount of responsibility”. He buys a cool 1970 Pontiac Firebird, the sports car he always wanted and finally has. He listens to Pink Floyd’s music and gets high. What’s more, he confesses his weariness of the marriage to his wife…It is the first time in his life to live for himself, which makes him joyful and full. At the third scene, he finally has the chance to have sex with Angela, the “most beautiful thing” he has ever seen and wanted “since the first moment” he saw. However, after knowing Angela is still a virgin, he stops, because he suddenly realizes what he is always seeking is not her beautiful looks and body but beauty itself. Before he dies, he sits and studies the photo taken several years ago at an amusement park, in which Carolyn and Jane look startlingly happy, not like what they are now. He smiles contently, because he finally knows what he actually wants and gets the true meaning of beauty. The beauty he hunts for lies not in the decent material life, the beautiful look of Angela, and the so-called image of success, but in the laughing of Carolyn, the happy and innocent look of Jane…

“You have no idea what I’m talking about, I’m sure. But don’t worry…You will someday.” Watching the black screen, Lester’s last words make me hard to calm down. What is beauty to me? I keep asking myself. There are so many “Carolyns” in the society now. They view material success as the most important thing in life, living for money, marrying for money and even dying for money. At this process, they are gradually losing themselves. However, the society is also shouldering us into another “Carolyn” with the houses of high price, expensive fees, gorgeous luxuries, etc. Our life is beginning to turn around money while happiness is leaving us. Where is and what is the beauty in our life? This movie opens a window leading to beauty to us, and makes us realize that we can also live in this world in such a beautiful way. At least, I will never forget the content smile of Lester and keep searching for the true beauty in my life.

站在08年的尾巴尖上，感叹时光飞逝，好像有点土，但的确是我此刻的心情。

喜欢“送别”这个词，是缘于李叔同的那首词话。

 长亭外,古道边,芳草碧连天
 晚风拂柳笛声残,夕阳山外山
 天之涯,地之角,知交半零落
 一壶浊洒尽余欢,今宵别梦寒
 长亭外,古道边,芳草碧连天
 问君此去几时来,来时莫徘徊
 天之涯,地之角,知交半零落
 人生难得是欢聚,惟有别离多 
 

现在要把这个词送给已经逝去的2008年。

这一年，经过了无数的考试，经历了大学生活的挥手告别，开始了“莫愁”新生活。这一年，收获了许多真挚的情感，也放弃了不值得去珍惜的一段友谊。这一年，做着导演梦欣赏光影流年，在文学世界里追忆似水年华，不时谱首音乐狂想曲。这一年，继续“在路上”的生活姿态，行走在时光的边缘，厦薄雾浓云愁永昼门，鼓浪屿，乌镇。。。唤醒了我的书店梦。这一年，发现向往行云流水般生活的自己，有时却不得不向现实低头，那是继而发现自己的生活方式在很多世俗约定的东西面前不堪一击的失败感。

 每到辞旧迎新的时候，总会猛然觉悟时间是如此快地从我们的指缝中溜走了，而沉淀下的回忆，不知道能清晰多少年。不管怎么样，新的一年要来了，总是开心的。只是自己又老了一岁，奔三的洪流也以越来越快的速度席卷着我们。

可是每个人都是这样过来了。时间已于无形中打下烙印。

         送别2008，送别那个不再立体的时空。
    

     有时候会很恨自己，恨自己懦弱的性格，恨自己不能在别人恶语相向时以同样的方式回击，恨自己面对别人的伤害就忍不住流眼泪——爸爸最讨厌的眼泪。

我想做个更坚强的人，像爸爸妈妈期盼的那样。哭不能解决任何问题。

我想做个更自私的人，不要总是考虑别人的感受，大声说出我要什么和我不要什么。

我想做个更泼辣的人，当被人欺负了，有什么委屈就大声骂出来。忍让只会让别人得寸进尺。

越来越觉得，似乎这样的人才能避免伤害，才能在这个世界好好生活。

我能做什么呢？

也许只能，且听风吟。
    

    

任何人在一生当中都在寻找一个宝贵的东西。但能够找到的人并不多。即使幸运地找到了，实际上找到的东西都已受到致命的损毁。尽管如此，我们仍然继续寻找不止。因为若不这样做，生之意义本身便不复存在。

村上春树如是说。

这是一种似非而是的生活观。

几年前，有一本薄薄的小书，就叫作《似非而是》，作者提出了似非而是的十大戒律。

1、人都是毫无逻辑，不讲道理，以自我为中心的。但还是要爱他们。

2、你如果行善事，人们会说你必定是出于自私的隐秘行动。但还是要行善事。

3、你如果成功，得到是会是假朋友和真敌人。但还是要成功。

4、你今天所行的善事，明天就会被人忘记。但还是要行善事。

5、坦诚待人，使你容易受到伤害。但还是要坦诚待人。

6、思想最博大的最大的人，可能会被头脑最狭隘的最小的人击倒。但还是要志存高远。

7、人们喜欢无名小卒，却只追随大人物。但还是要为几个无名小卒而斗争。

8、你穷数年之功建设起的东西可能一夜之间就会被毁掉。但还是要建设。

9、人们的确需要帮助，但当你真的帮助他们的时候，他们可能会攻击你。但你还是要帮助他人。

10、当你把最宝贵的东西献给世界时，你会被反咬一口。但还是要把最宝贵的东西献给世界。

听来似乎荒谬矛盾，但这世界不就是有那么多飞蛾扑火的人吗？

也许更可悲的情况是，根本不知道自己一生要寻找的宝贵的东西是什么。

其实米兰·昆德拉已经从另一个角度给出了答案，虽然这个答案本身也并非解药。

生活，就是一种永恒的沉重的努力，努力使自己不至于迷失方向，努力使自己在自我中，在原位中永远坚定地存在。

     下午去影院，一口气看完了期待很久的《梅兰芳》。

     前三分之一，在大明星黎明和章子怡尚未闪亮登场之前，堪称华彩篇章。风华初显的青少年梅兰芳，在舞台上一颦一笑，有种只可意会不可言传的美，初涉尘世，前途未卜，纯挚，淡雅，彷徨，执着。。。于是孙红雷扮演的邱如白一见倾心，辞官专心追随、保护和发扬梅的美。最让我惊喜的是扮演上一辈京剧大师十三燕的王学圻，在首映礼上陈凯歌导演提到第一天拍戏，王就NG36次，以致他自己都有些失去再演下去的信心了。但在电影里我看到的是一个传神入骨的旧时伶人，不管是腔调做派，还是神韵风骨，身为“伶界大王”的浮华风光背后的痛苦、孤独，让人备感凄怆的同时，又肃然起敬。

     后三分之二，少了起初那种撼动人心的力量，但依然是部好电影。很佩服黎明敢于出演梅兰芳的勇气，已经功成名就的他，其实不必冒这个险。虽然他的外形和梅兰芳一点也不像，但他的确演出了梅的一种气质，沉稳，大气，内敛。最不满意的是章子怡，总是把所有女人都演得跟她一样争强好胜。在刚出场时她是很可爱很有灵气的，但演着演着还是流露出了她一贯的目露凶光。读过孟小冬传，看过孟小冬本人照片的人就会知道，孟不是那样的。

     不满意的还有梅孟初识，一起唱游龙戏凤那段，本应也是华彩篇章，摄人心魄，极具化学反应的，黎明和章子怡却没能传达出来。这跟他们本身是临时抱佛脚学的戏无关，就是感觉没有到位。

     孙红雷和英达的表演就不用说了，圆满完成任务，也是电影中的幽默制造者。扮演福芝芳的陈红很美。还有一位出彩但极易被忽略的演员，是扮演梅家佣人的宋嫂。

     很多人会拿《梅兰芳》跟《霸王别姬》比，我认为这是不公平的。《霸王别姬》毕竟是艺术的自由创作，而拍摄《梅兰芳》就如同电影里梅的大伯所说——带着纸枷锁。要知道对于梅兰芳这样的“中国符号”，用电影摄影机为其立传会受到来自方方面面多大的制约和压力。

     但《梅兰芳》没让我们失望，它所触及的一个个不灭灵魂，足以让人动容畅怀。

突然停电了，一片漆黑。

却还没不愿去睡。正在读王安忆，讨厌被打断的阅读。

刚握着手机，和妈妈谈着话，有点喝多了的妈妈。却兴奋得异常可爱。

妈妈和我一样，是个内敛的人。酒精的奇妙作用，会让人勇敢说出平时羞于启齿的话。

比如她最爱我，比如她以我为骄傲。。。而从小我听的最多的似乎就是妈妈的批评。我不漂亮，我不聪明，我要好好学舞，我该好好练琴。。。

这种其实一直存在却好像是突如其来的温暖，让我挂了电话，就忍不住泪流满面。明天诗歌课的主题,刚好是乡愁呢。nostalgia。

在这样的夜晚，我听着爱的礼赞，最爱的钢琴大提琴协奏，想着家。

来电了。
    


     

我就是想开一家书店。

在佩内洛普·菲兹灯拉德的《书店》里，弗萝伦丝如是说。

还记得几年前读到这句话时，心是怎样的撼动了一下。从小喜欢阅读，拥有一家自己的书店，也成了我一直做到现在的一个梦。

      上星期去了江南水乡，关于书店的梦突然变得强烈而清晰起来，挥之不去。以致回到北京后，每天都在恍惚着，不想写论文不想练口译不想去上课。

想在小桥流水人家的地方，开一家书店。

书店的名字，叫迷·藏。

我要让书店里流淌着莫扎特、德彪西、小野丽莎、陈绮贞的音乐，弥漫着Cappuccino、奶茶和提拉米苏的香气。童话、文学、CD、摄影集和艺术书籍诉说着无声的静态的却是永恒的故事。红色布沙发，要有漂亮舒服的坐垫抱枕。夏天的时候，换成藤制椅子，个子小的女生可以整个人蜷进去那种。书店的一角还要有架秋千椅，店主我的专座。桌布会有两套，一套蓝白格子布，一套浅色碎花，上面摆着小橘灯一样的小台灯——我喜欢在台灯下看书。店主我还会提供自制的明信片，怀旧系列做成发黄的牛皮纸，配以牛皮纸颜色的铅笔，清新系列就用明亮的白色。只是不知道，会不会有人跟我一样，有喜欢在明信片的背面写读书札记的习惯。。。

我就是想开一家书店。不为赚钱，只是喜欢。
 
   

梦了很久的嘉兴乌镇，那个刘若英说如梦一般的江南小镇。终于成行。

于是在那儿，总是不自觉地哼着她的《似水年华》，很好听但很难唱好的一首歌。

再美的地方，一旦名声大噪，就很难保持本色。乌镇也是如此。西栅东栅成了完全商业化的景区，喧嚷的人群，到处闪动的数码相机。。。

干脆弃之转向还没被改造的北栅南栅。要了一辆人力车，师傅是本地人，人很质朴，说起刚上大学的女儿一脸幸福骄傲。人到中年依然在为养家糊口而奔波。父爱如山。

在乌镇的老街，漫无目的地闲逛，寻找《似水年华》的影子，《橘子红了》中秀禾的身影。江南的天气尽管有些灰蒙蒙，空气中弥漫的味道却似乎是微甜的。还有很香的荷叶包鸡。

    有些居民在家卖一些小玩意，蓝花花的头巾帽子手绢，手工制作的布鞋，甚至还有小棉马甲和小披风。可惜不能变回孩子，不然一定买下那件可爱小披风。

       结束乌镇之行，有些许失望，也许不会再去第二次了，但起码圆了一个梦。